The holiday season is supposed to be a time filled with joy and spending time with the people we love. But for those of you with dysfunctional families, the people you love can be a source of stress and anxiety when this special time rolls around.
If this sounds familiar, it’s never too early to start preparing to make this season go as smoothly as possible. Let me walk you through a few of my best tips for surviving the holidays with a dysfunctional family so you don’t have to spend another year wishing you’d done things differently.
1. Evaluate Past Holidays and Think Ahead
After Thanksgiving and Christmas, I get a lot of calls from parents saying how devastated they are about how the holidays went again with their families. If you are in the same boat, know that you can break this cycle of disappointment by planning for the holidays now.
Start by reflecting on what made past holiday seasons tough — Did specific situations or behaviors upset you? Who was responsible for that and what was your role? What do you wish you had done differently? Use this reflection to come up with a plan for this year. For example, if visiting both your in-laws and your own family on the same day always causes scheduling issues, you could discuss with your spouse: “Do we have to do it the same way this year? Is there something we can change to make the day less hectic?”
2. Decide Who Should Be Your Point of Contact for Holiday Planning
Talking directly with toxic family members to address their problematic behaviors or change your holiday plans with them can stir up more drama and stress. And if you’re not their blood relative, you might find your attempts to communicate ineffective. To avoid these issues, find a family member who can communicate more easily with the problematic relatives and make them your point of contact. Sometimes, having the child of the dysfunctional family do the communicating is the best way to get through to them with minimal drama. In the case of problematic in-laws, for instance, this could be your spouse or one of their siblings.
3. Remember, the Holidays Are For You Too (So Advocate for Your Needs!)
This is your holiday as well, whether it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any other significant time. When planning for upcoming holidays, think about your immediate family and what you want from your holiday experience. It’s okay to put your foot down and say no to plans or situations you know will cause stress for your family.
Maybe you’re tired of traveling long distances every Thanksgiving because your little ones can’t handle the drive. Or maybe you want to arrive later for Christmas dinner so you don’t interfere with your toddler’s nap schedule. Whatever the case may be, allow yourself to express your needs without feeling guilty. Your priority should be what’s best for you and your family.
4. Ask for Minor Changes and Be Prepared to Make Compromises
Small changes in your holiday schedule can improve your holiday experience dramatically. Don’t be afraid to make these requests, whether it’s arriving later, changing meal times or opening Christmas presents at home with the kids instead of at Grandma and Grandpa’s. Be sure to communicate these changes as early as possible so your family isn’t caught off guard and has time to plan accordingly.
If you and your spouse aren’t on the same page, find a compromise. Try alternating the years you do each other’s family traditions to ensure that one side isn’t always unhappy. Having honest conversations about your expectations can help you come up with a holiday plan you’re both happy with.
5. Be Okay With Disappointing Family Members
Different families have different expectations. Some might believe they are the most important and that everyone should prioritize them. Others may be strongly against breaking traditions. Understanding that family members may be disappointed when you decide to do the holidays differently is important. They might say hurtful things, but it’s crucial to remember that you are not responsible for their feelings. If your family traditions don’t suit your current situation, it’s okay to set new ones.
By giving advance notice, you’re not only setting clear boundaries but also allowing everyone, including your host, time to plan for food and other arrangements, reducing the likelihood of a last-minute scramble or disappointment.
6. Minimize Pushback By Setting Boundaries With Family in Advance
Family members with emotional immaturity might resist changes, making it tough for you to enforce your adjusted holiday plans. If someone in your family is bound to be upset whenever things don’t go their way, setting boundaries early on can help you avoid last-minute drama that ruins your holiday.
Explain your plans clearly and give as much notice as possible so everyone can adjust their expectations and make arrangements. For instance, you might have your spouse say, “Mom, I know we traditionally have dinner at your place on Christmas Eve, but this year we are starting a new routine of alternating so that we can take turns spending Christmas Eve with our families. That way our children get to experience the joy of both sides of the family with Christmas Eve traditions.” Best case is she accepts your decision with time; worst case is she puts up a fight no matter how you say it or how much time you give her. Either way, know that your decisions are what’s best for your family and not made to prevent an upset in someone who will be immature and upset anyway.
Final Thoughts
Navigating holidays with a dysfunctional family can be tough, but it’s not impossible. By planning ahead, working as a team with your spouse, setting boundaries with family and (most importantly) advocating for yourself, you can create a holiday season that’s more enjoyable for your family. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to prioritize your needs and break traditions that no longer work for your growing family. You can’t please everyone, so don’t spend these special times feeling guilty about your decisions. I wish you and yours a peaceful and joyful holiday season!
Feeling overwhelmed by the idea of holiday stress with your family? Please know you are not alone! Schedule a quick 15-minute session to work together to create a tailored holiday plan that prioritizes your well-being and sets you up for a more joyful experience.
